How do I support my Autistic child’s sibling?
by Andrew Trenfield, Occupational Therapist at Aspect Therapy
Question: 'How can I make sure my non-Autistic child feels supported too?'
I have two children – a 10-year-old daughter and a 7-year-old Autistic son. They love each other and can have a lot of fun together, but lately my daughter has started saying things like, “Everything is always about him” and “How come he gets to do that and I don't?”
My son needs more support with some everyday activities, and sometimes we need to change plans or do things differently to help him feel comfortable. I understand why this can feel unfair to my daughter, and I'm worried that she sometimes feels like her needs come second.
I don't want her to feel guilty for being frustrated, but I also don't want my son to feel like he's a burden or the cause of problems in our family. How can I support my daughter and make sure she feels heard and important, while also helping them build a positive relationship as brother and sister?
Response:
Supporting every child in the family
It sounds like you’re already doing something really important, which is noticing how your daughter might be feeling and taking those feelings seriously.
Having an Autistic sibling can bring many positives. Siblings can have wonderful relationships and develop a strong appreciation of difference. Sometimes there can also be frustration, jealousy or times when things feel unfair.
Rather than trying to convince her that things are fair, start by listening. If she says, “Everything is always about him”, you might respond with, “It sounds like it feels that way sometimes. Tell me more.”
Giving her permission to express difficult feelings without judgement can help her know that her needs matter too.
Fair doesn’t always mean the same
Children are often very tuned into differences between siblings.
‘Why does he get to leave somewhere early? Why doesn’t he have to eat that? Why does Mum spend more time helping him?’
It can help to explain that everyone in the family has different needs, so support won’t always look the same. You might talk about glasses helping someone to see or one child needing more help with maths than another. The aim isn’t to justify every difference, but to help your daughter understand that different support isn’t a measure of who is more important.
At the same time, be careful not to use your son’s support needs to dismiss her disappointment. Sometimes she may simply need to hear, “I know you were really looking forward to that, and you’re disappointed our plans changed.”
Make space that’s just for her
One-on-one time doesn’t have to mean elaborate outings. Regular, predictable moments with you can be powerful – perhaps a walk together, choosing dinner, watching a favourite show or having a chat before bed.
As an occupational therapist, I recommend creating opportunities where siblings can openly share both positive and negative experiences, as well as making sure they have downtime and don’t continually miss out on their own activities.
It’s also important that your daughter gets to be a sister, rather than becoming another carer. Helping occasionally is part of family life, but she shouldn’t feel responsible for managing her brother’s emotions, explaining him to other people or giving up her own friendships and activities to support him.
Help them understand each other
Age-appropriate conversations about autism can help your daughter better understand her brother’s communication, sensory preferences and support needs.
But understanding should go both ways. Think about what your son needs to know about his sister too. Perhaps she wants privacy when friends visit, doesn’t always want to share her belongings or sometimes needs quiet time on her own.
Look for opportunities for them to connect around things they both enjoy, rather than expecting your daughter to participate in her brother’s interests. It might be playing a game, cooking together, kicking a ball or watching something they both find funny. Positive sibling relationships often grow through ordinary shared experiences.
Finally, keep checking in. Your daughter’s needs and feelings will change as she gets older, as will your son’s. Paying attention to siblings’ emotional wellbeing, friendships, school life, activities and goals is helpful. If you notice concerning changes such as ongoing withdrawal, anxiety or anger, you could seek support from a therapist or psychologist.
You don’t need to make everything equal all the time. The goal is for both of your children to know that their needs matter, their feelings can be heard and they each have an important place in the family.
That creates a strong foundation not only for your relationship with each child, but for the relationship they’re building with each other.
Additional resources:
- Aspect Information Sheet: Life with an Autistic sibling
- Siblings Australia offers resources information, connection and support siblings of people with disability.
- Raising Children Network provides resources for parents to support Autistic and non-Autistic siblings.
About Andrew Trenfield
Andrew Trenfield is an Occupational Therapist with Aspect Therapy. Andrew has worked alongside the Autistic community for the past 10 years, and strives to understand each person’s strengths, sensory preferences, routines and support needs, to develop practical individualised strategies that support participation, and wellbeing. His practice is neuroaffirming, strengths-based and focused on building the capacity of families to best understand their child.
About Aspect
Aspect (Autism Spectrum Australia) is one of Australia’s largest autism-specific service providers, with one of the world’s most extensive autism-specific educational programs. Celebrating 60 years in 2026, Aspect is a not-for-profit organisation working in partnership with people of all ages on the autism spectrum to co-develop, co-produce and co-deliver supports and services that are individualised, goal driven and grounded in evidence-based practices.
