Dealing with excessive anger in your child
Being angry is a normal human emotion but it can become problematic when that anger isn’t channelled into something positive and is allowed to fester. No matter how old we are, there are times when it is all just too much and we lash out. This may be verbal, it may be bursting into tears or shutting down completely but when our brains are at saturation point, negative emotions are generally what the world sees of us. In toddlers, children and teenagers a similar logic applies. They are surrounded constantly by stimuli for all the senses and eventually reach saturation point. Personality traits, age and other diagnoses may cause some children to resort to anger faster than others, but if the right buttons are pushed, almost every child can find their way there. For parents this can be exhausting, stressful and even frightening and in many cases it feels like their child is angry ALL the time. Here are 5 methods to assist you to avoid and manage your child’s anger when it manifests itself.
SUFFICIENT “DOWNTIME”
No-one can function at 100% capacity 100% of the time. Yet, in today’s world that is what we expect of ourselves and of our children. From early morning which is generally a race out the door with a huge number of chores to be accomplished in a short period of time; children then have to function socially and academically all day at school; come home to after school activities, homework and family time and then race through a bedtime routine. There is no time where they are not a slave to someone or something. Most children require sometime in their day with minimal human interaction where they can be allowed to be who they are and alone with their thoughts. For some children it is lego building; for others reading and for some screen time but it should be 20- 30 minutes and an opportunity for them to relax.
PICK YOUR BATTLES
When you know your child struggles with certain chores and has had a full on day; you have to decide if it is worth forcing them to do that particular chore if it is likely to trigger a negative response. Decide what battles are worth it and for the rest, take a deep breath and ignore. This will help your child to not constantly feel you are picking on them and they are likely to be calmer with you for a while longer.
OPPORTUNITIES TO EXPRESS FEELINGS / EXHIBIT AGGRESSION
It can be tremendously helpful if you are able to pick up on the signs when you child starts to get agitated and try to help them communicate what they are feeling. This may be verbal, through visual cues or through play. In some situations, if the anger is becoming a regular pattern, it may be worth thinking about counselling for your child. If you see they are becoming aggressive regularly, enrolling them in a physical activity where they can use that aggression e.g: sports or martial arts may be something to consider.
CLEAR BOUNDARIES
When a child is angry or in a negative headspace, they may try to push any boundaries that you set. This can often be the case if a child feels that too much in their life is out of their control or is regulated by rules which they don’t agree with or understand. Boundaries need to be set clearly but it is also important not to have too many of them. Once you decide your non-negotiable rules of behaviour, they need to be enforced consistently with clear consequences that your child understands. By doing this, it is then their choice to accept the consequence or to comply with the rule. The choice will give them an element of control.
MELTDOWNS ARE NOT ALWAYS A TERRIBLE THING
All behaviours serve a purpose and if your child’s anger escalates to the point where they are screaming or becoming aggressive, they are trying to express their frustration and let off steam. It is no different to feeling a lump in your throat when you need to cry and having to hold it in. It is only by going through this process of melting down that they will be able to calm down enough to be rational and not to fly off the handle at every word you say. Therefore, there are instances where as long as everyone is safe, a meltdown should be allowed to take its course and then the child can begin the process of calming down properly.
Hopefully, these strategies can help you feel that whilst your child still may be angry from time to time, it is not a permanent state of being!
Highly qualified, Paediatric Nurse, Ariella Lew established Kids on Track in 2012. From her extensive work in both hospital and community settings in Australia, UK and South Africa, Ariella realised that a bespoke home based support service for families and care givers was lacking. This motivation was the basis for Kids on Track Paediatric Consultancy.
Kids on Track is an international consultancy, consulting to anyone, anywhere who feels they could benefit from structured advice relevant to a particular issue of concern relating to children and/or young adults. Whether in your own home or via phone or skype consultations, our goal is to provide the tools needed to manage any issues that are causing concern. This is achieved by using up to date research combined with a holistic health orientated approach. Kids on Track helps to give those feeling unsupported the tools to navigate and assist in facing hurdles; with strategies that are simple and straightforward to implement.
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